I planned on this being a two part blog post, but I just really had a hard time with sitting down to write it. But this one, is painful and incredibly personal. So please read this with grace.
When I was a teenage, I knew this guy and his name was Ryan. People who know me are aware of him, some more than others. I haven’t talked to him in over seven years. I felt like over this time, I have worked hard to come to terms with this cyclic and toxic relationship. I thought I was past it. Maybe a week ago, I was at church and I felt the Spirt well this up in me. On my way to church I was listening to Taylor Swift All To Well the ten minute version. Before I knew it I was crying as I sung, remember the conversations I had with him. I went to church and felt off, I thought I had worked through most of it durning worship and felt better. I went grocery shopping after, and did not feel like myself. I reached out for prayer. I for into my car and just started crying. I was sick and tired of returning to that place. The place of brokenness. I cried as I pumped gas into my car. I became frustrated that people weren’t reaching out although I was reaching out. I became angry because I always am reaching out. All these things not true but my mind was like of course it is like this.
On the way home, my friends Baliee and Gabrielle called me. They felt like it deserved a call, I was still crying they asked me what was going on. I told them, not in my usual way. I word vomitied. Something that I don’t do with many people. They encouraged me and offered space for inner healing, I knew I needed to say yes. My homework was to explore the lies that I believe as a result of the situation.
I started by writing a letter, not that he would ever see it but more for myself. This idea that I was able to say the things that I wanted to say, it felt like a good place to start. I eventually started walking down memory lane and came across a post that was a almost like a letter. I just found out that he was married and had a kid on the way, and I was so hurt for a multitude of reasons. But anyway, the similarities between that post (that I had forgotten about) and the letter I wrote were gut wrenching. I knew there was a soul tie.
I wrestled. Knowing I was going to break it, but I didn’t want to. There was something deep within me holding on and refusing to let go. I needed to figure out what I was holding onto. I prayed and attempted to work through it. I eventually came to the realization, he was the last person, that knew everything about me. Good, bad, ugly. He knew it. In knowing everything about me, it wasn’t enough to make him stay. Granted I was increably broken and so was he, it never would have worked. But in my mind in that time period, I believed that we just needed to figure it out and we would walk into the sunset. So not true, but none the less it is what I believed.
So the next morning I was in the shower. I came out of alignment with my soul tie and physically clipped the cord. I turned to face Jesus and ran into his arms. The cord I cut was a tether holding me back from Jesus. I was proud of myself. I knew it was just the first part.
The second part came tonight. I was at my Sunday small group, on a weekend I was originally supposed to work. But there I sat in Baliee and Gabrielles living room. We talked about inner healing. We typically have this part of the night where we sit and encounter Jesus. I kept on trying to sink in. Sometimes it is easier than others. But tonight I knew I needed to explore this lie I believed. That if people knew everything about me, it would be to much and they would leave. I learned a long time ago that in order to over come the lie, it needs to be replaced with truth. I asked Jesus what the truth was.
I will never leave you or forsake you.
This is the verse that was spoken over me as I moved here. In a prophetic word I have received. It’s part of my life verse. I just heard him whisper it to me over and over agian. I will never leave you or forsake you. Each time he spoke it I saw Jesus come beside me then the Holy Spirt and them the Father come up behind me. All walking with me. I obviously cried.
I shared this with the group, and I walked through inner healing. I not only acknowledged this lie, I repented for believing it. I repented for allowing someone to speak into me more then God even when I didn’t know him. I forgave not only Ryan but myself for accepting what I believed I was worth. I placed God back on the throne of my life, and closed the door. I gave God the authority that I freely gave to Ryan. Although tears were cried, the tears produced healing. I know there is deep truth that lies in the scripture. I will never leave you or forsake you. I know there is reason that it is stated multiple times. Inner healing is messy, but I am grateful for it. Something that could have taken months or years in therapy I was able to accomplish in a week, because JESUS IS THAT AMAZING. The Spirt leads us into all truth, and in truth there is freedom.
I would love to walk you through inner healing if that is something you desire. I love you all!
Crossing the Jordan 