I wanted to write something around Thanksgiving about how far I had come. But it was hard to sit down and write about it. I am not sure I have a satisfying answer. Last year the holidays were incredibly difficult. Due to COVID I hadn’t seen my family in 5 months and I wasn’t going to spend the holidays for the first time in my life. At that point I had some friends, but very few deep meaningful relationships. I was not good at processing through my feelings. I would wait until I couldn’t avoid them and have a mental breakdown, not healthy at all. It bothered me that I had difficultly feeling emotions in the moment and that it ended up in a total meltdown.
This last year, so much has changed. It is kind of incredibly honestly. This Christmas was still hard although my brother came to visit. Visiting with family often reminds that living in this place far away from them is a choice. I could easily pick up and move back to them. That I am choosing the harder but more fulfilling option. I am starting to realize how much my family filled my emotional needs when I lived in Buffalo. Which is great, but all good things change. It is the way the world works.
This year I sat in my emotions. I cried to and from work when my brother left and on Christmas Eve. Even now when I think about it I still cry. I have learned that my emotions aren’t good or bad they just are, and they are valid. It’s okay that it’s hard, and it’s okay to cry about it. It isn’t an indication of my worth. In fact it is a testament to my relationship with my family. That are love runs deep.
I am so proud of being able to just sit in the emotion, and the fact that I don’t have to work so hard to identify the emotion. I am learning that I am a compassionate and empathic person and my defense mechanisms are feeling nothing, because it is easier then being overwhelmed. I am learning to love myself just as I am and not having others validate my decisions. It has been a year full of hard work, and I am happy to see the progress I have made. But most of all that I am proud of myself, and that’s enough.