This is one of the blog, that I know I need to write I just don’t really know what to say. This past weekend I went to a conference call Women on Fire. To say it was life altering sounds like I am being melodramatic, but it was.
I was saved in 2014. I saw joy that was clearly lacking in my life and knew that it was God. Little did I know that how much my life would shift. My life before Christ feels like it is a different person, that is hard to identify with. I have spent the past year pursuing and following God. Most people who knew me know that I love the Holy Sprit and am rather obedient to its promptings. I go to church on a pretty regular basis. I read my bible on a somewhat consistent basis. Before this weekend I would have considered myself a rather well rounded Christian.
Moving to Couer d’Alene has tested me in ways I never thought I would be tested. I have learned so much about myself. The best way I could describe my life in moving here was looking at the life I had created for myself and setting it on fire. I had everything I ever wanted. I had an amazing job, a great apartment, and I lived in a beautiful place. But I felt so empty. I didn’t really understand why I felt this way. I believed that I was craving relationship in my life. Not just a husband but friendships as well. I was a weird kid and forming friendships is really hard for me. I did what any rational human being did and went to counseling. I have spent the last few months learning about myself and the road blocks that I have put up to living a more fulfilled life.
Going into Women on Fire I knew it would be good. I had heard my friends rave about it. They were right. My eyes were opened to the lies I have allowed the enemy to whisper. That my authority cause separation and division. That the reason that I have trouble making friends is because when I step into the authority of the Spirt I hurt peoples feelings. Which is a total lie, but I honestly believed that about myself. But the enemy wants to attack our authority because its how we throw him out! If we knew the power we actually held it would be used against him, and he doesn’t want that.
I could go on and on about the Spiritual breakthrough I had this weekend. I am still processing it myself. But this is the story I really felt I needed to share. I feel like this whole weekend was leading up to this moment. I was at church and toward the end of the service I had felt so nauseous. Something I had learned at women on fire to be a sign that I needed prayer. The problem is I didn’t want to move. My friend Cyrah came over to me and asked if I was okay. I said no and that I felt nauseous. She went and got her mom and Kyano. They came over and started praying for the nauseous to leave. I knew that it wasn’t physical, but a physical manifestation of my Spirt and something no being in alignment. But I didn’t know what it was. They started praying. I wish I could tell you what was prayed because I honestly only remember snippets of it. I felt the wall starting to come down, and I started to sob. As I am sobbing Kyano wants me to open my eyes and look at him. Which sounds like an easy task, but I couldn’t. I would catch a glimpse of his face and turn and start to sob harder. Little did the people know who were praying for me. It felt like I was looking at Jesus face. I kept trying to look at it but I would turn away in shame and unworthiness. They didn’t stop praying for me until I could look at him. Jesus so desperately wanted me to see his face that he wouldn’t stop until I could look at him. It was the first time I felt the tangible love of Jesus. Someone I have been following and pursuing for years. After I felt the love of Jesus my legs where on the way to the fresh air and I was still nauseous. I received the rest of the deliverance in my small group. I told them what had happened and that I felt like there was something else. As they prayed, all I saw was the enemy laughing in my face. I was sobbing on my knees and my head held low, and he walked around me and laughed at me. As they continued to pray the enemy grew in stature. Then there was a shift, I had the armor of God on me and cut off the head of the snake, and then stabbed it on the heart. I had to do this several times. I eventually stopped crying and I opened my eyes to Gabrielle leaning over the table in my face. She told me to go back to the moment where I was sitting with Jesus. I saw him with a shield facing away from me protecting me. Gabrielle started speaking truth over me and I started sobbing again. It was the first time I had allowed those truths to hit my soul. Jesus ended up sitting face to face with me and the shield was on his back.
This was the first time the love of Jesus was no longer head knowledge but heart knowledge. Which is life altering. I could go on and on about the things he revealed this past weekend. He is so good.
If you don’t know Jesus and want to know him, I would love to talk with you! If you know Jesus and have never felt his tangible love, I would love to talk with you!