Over the past few weeks I am learning just how broken I am. How much I don’t know myself, or understand my behaviors. There have been so many revelations in the past few weeks that have left me wondering how did I get here. At what point did my flesh take over and want to feel good at any cost.
I think the hardest part of all of it, is that when you look at my life the first thing people see is success, they automatically assume I am happy. Which most day I am. But I feel like I have lost the joy. So consumed by the world around me and other peoples journeys, I have lost sight of my own.
Now looking back on my journey as a Christian, I see how my view of Jesus is so messed up. I often overcame sin by muscling through, or basically creating a life where I wouldn’t have to deal with the temptations of the world. Which in theory is great, but now I realize how much of a terrible idea that is. The only way we overcome sin and our flesh is by true surrender to Christ. I know so many people who had their come to Jesus moment and they were radically changed in that moment. I do not feel like that was my experience, the fact that I am really only starting to have relationship Jesus and understand who he is to me shows where I am at in that journey. Starting to fully understand the sacrifice and the freedom that comes with that relationship. Currently I am reading through the book of John, something I don’t think I have ever done in my time as a Christian. If you read a blog or two ago, I talked about this idea of abide. Yesterday I was reading in John 8:31-32:
“So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him,” If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.’
There is that word abide. Abiding in the word which in the beginning of John equates the word with Jesus. If I abide in Jesus I will know the truth and the truth will set me free.
I am just starting to realize how much healing I need and how much I need Jesus. That each part of the trinity plays amazing but equal roles. In Jesus there is freedom. There is freedom from overcommitting, overeating, and all the other things that I have been chasing to make myself feel good.
Jesus, I surrender all to you.