Once again here we are. Diving in the my childhood hurts and how they manifest in my life as a 27 year old. Yes there is a bit of sarcasm in there but its really me just trying to cope.
Anyway. Tonight at church I was shadowing to one day serve in the role of gathering coordinator. They brief the team prior to serve and make sure the service can run smoothly. I recently finished growth track and didn’t really have a strong pull to any particular serving team, especially with my work schedule. But I just really felt like I should offer to help out in the office with the very repetitive and boring tasks. I wanted to serve and helping in that capacity really just spoke to my heart. With a stressful job, it would be nice to serve and just not really have to think about what I was doing. Somehow maybe a week or two after I was asked if being gathering coordinator was something I would be interested in. Of course I said yes. As my mother would say I am really good at making sure my plate is completely full. (Something I am working on.)
That brings us to tonight. Part of the job is that prior to service you brief the team of transitions and the plan for the night. This meeting takes place on the pastors office. When I walked in there, I felt so out of place. Most of the people in the room knew who I was. They knew me from seeing me around the church, and they seemed excited for me to be there. But I felt so awkward and out of place.
As I went into worship, this really bothered me. God has called me into his authority and leadership. But here I was sitting in a room of leaders and couldn’t feel more out of place. As I began to worship I couldn’t help but feel my childhood self being hurt by people in my life. People who walked out of my life with little explanation. I didn’t have many friends growing up. I was never one of the cool kids. It really wasn’t until college I really learned how to balance my relationship. I was reminded of all the boys I had crushes on and would laugh, or not talk to me after they found out. Yes this all sounds like normal kids stuff, but as an adult I feel like an imposter when people complement me. Like I couldn’t possibly be who they say I am. But really that is just my 9 year old self telling my 27 year old self that I am not good enough.
When I was in that room, I felt like the cool kids asked me to sit at their table. I was waiting for the chair to be pulled out from me when I was sitting down. I want to see myself how God sees me. I don’t want to be ruled by my past hurts or shortcomings. I want to be able to confidently walk into a room and not feel like I am waiting to be found out. I have come leaps and bounds in self awareness and confidence. But I have such a long way to go. But when we are aware of what is driving our thoughts and behaviors we can replace that with the truth of Gods love and grace.