Since making Heart of the City church my home church, I have joined two small groups. Last night I ended up going to church. I really wanted to message those small groups and see if anyone was going. But I opted not too, partly due to my own insecurities. I had a rather busy day, so I decided to grab coffee before heading into service. Not only did one of the girls in the small group come and say hi, but I ended up sitting with another girl in my small group.
After service, she wanted to hang out with me. My child self melted. Someone wanted to hang out with me, and I didn’t have to ask first. WHATTTT. I understand and recognize that I have a lot to offer but sometimes that 11 year old Ashley creeps in and makes me feel undesired.
I have felt over the past week or so I have really started to hit my stride here. I have people that I regularly see and care about. I have plugged myself in to a church full of people who care deeply for the community. I have found myself looking to get out of town for a couple days and struggle because I want to be able to go to church or small groups. It didn’t take long to fill up my time.
I feel like in my job I am hitting my stride. The Nurse Practitioner on nights mentioned to the rapid response nurse that I handled myself really well in a particularly situation. It was the day I felt like everything was going wrong and I was drowning. It was refreshing to see my hard work and concern go noticed. I felt completely obnoxious for asking so many questions. I know that even on the hardest days, God walks with me.
Yes there are days I feel the distance, but I then remember I need to embrace this season. It is birthing new life in me. I embrace the change, it’s the reason I picked up and moved. I want to grow. When you have no one but yourself and Jesus something shifts. The identy you formed because of your enviornment begins to melt. I have a new found confidence in who I am and who I was created to be. Some that was being formed in Buffalo but took moving to Idaho to be birthed.