Vulnerability

Relationships have always been an area that I struggle with. Growing up I didn’t have a ton of friends. Even the people I went to high school with I don’t really have relationships with them. It wasn’t until college that I really met people that I was able to really connect with. I have a strong personality and as many of my friends can attest I am very blunt and an honest person. This isn’t always conducive to making friends. I have gotten better over the years but as I have learned in the past week or so is those insecurities still exists. The little girl who felt like everyone had friends except for me voice and insecurity has come to the surface especially starting a new job, in a new place where I don’t know anyone.

Its funny though. The past twoish years I have worked really hard on changing my negative thought process and working through my insecurities. But moving has brought this insecurity to light. It is hard to admit. Especially to the internet that my inner child had made its presence known. But I feel like this isn’t talked about enough. At least no one really warned me about this when I was moving.

Its hard when you feel like all the work you done is on a pile on the floor. But all that work has prepared me for this moment. That voice in my head telling me that everyone is connecting with everyone instead of you. That the reason people aren’t talking to you is because you aren’t cool. That your personality is too much. That I am too abrasive because I am a blunt and honest person. It has prepared me to acknowledge the thought but recognize it as an insecurity and is not backed by logic. The work I have done analyzing myself and working through those thought processes have made me acknowledge this line of negitive thinking and how to combat it. Every time those thoughts come in I need to remind myself that I have a lot to offer. I am a loyal friend, someone who loves deeply and someone who will go to the ends of the earth for you. I am honest and blunt. I just say it how it is. For the majority of the population it can be hard to hear but it is something that a lot of people need. But I am someone who desires deep connection and that takes time to build. Not always but normally. I often forget that the relationships I have in my life now formed organically but they still require effort. It will take time to form new relationships on the level that I crave.

Working to improve yourself is a never ending journey. Especially when you feel like you have made tremendous progress and find yourself crying to your mom about your inner child monologue. It’s hard to rewire your brain to have more positive and self loving thoughts. But it is so worth it. Yes it is hard work. But if I let a child monologe dictate my behavior I would be miserable. I would think that no one wanted to be my friend. Which I know isn’t true. That is not who I was created to be. I was created by the God of the freaking universe. My creation was not an after thought or something thrown together. I was known before I was even a thought in my parents head. I am so much more than that inner monologe but because I am human sometimes she likes to come out to play. I am grateful that I have done the work because it would be so hard if I let those thoughts take root. I encourage you to examine your inner child monologe. What is your trigger? Does it happen often? Are you doing anything to change the brain pathway?

When I find a negative thought coming into view, I combat it with truth. I say what I know is true. I tell myself that I have a lot to offer. Another good method would be to give your negative thoughts their own name. One that is kind of funny or someone that you think of as a grumpy old person. Personally I have used that and it helps dissociate the negitive thought and add humor. Then you find yourself laughing instead of allowing the thought to go any futher. I have also found journaling to be increadiably theraputic. It also gives you the luxury of looking back one day and seeing how much progress you have made.

If you take one thing away from this blog is I need to know is that you are deeply loved. The Father loves you and knows you and you are never truly alone! Rest in that.